| Why Do We Expect Perfection From Our Children? |
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By Dr. Barbara Freedman
Scripps Howard News Service Growing up was difficult. I was an only child, which meant that there were no other siblings to blame when something went wrong in the house. I guess I wasn't perfect. I tend toward being "good enough," and that's fine by me. Interestingly, each day after part of the world was created, God, in his or her wisdom, surveyed the handiwork and, according to some Biblical translations, said that it was "good." Imagine that? Only good? So, if it was fine for the creation to be only "good," why do we expect perfection from our children? At a recent parenting workshop that I gave at a local preschool, a mother of a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old was having a difficult time. The problem was that, try as she might, she just could not get her 5-year-old to do everything she expected him to be capable of performing. He did not want to disobey his mother, however; he just could not remember all of the rules all of the time. So his mom grounded him, would not allow friends to come and play and, occasionally, beat him with a belt. And he was only 5-years-old. And what was with the belt? That's child abuse in my book and had to be stopped immediately. This was also reportable to Child Protective Services. Her rationale for all of this was, in her words, "He should know better." I admonished her for the manner in which she punished her son and offered alternatives that would be more appropriate and less harmful, both physically and mentally, to her offspring. And then I asked her these questions: Have you ever gotten a traffic ticket? Did you ever make a "California rolling stop"? Have you ever exceeded the speed limit when you thought no officer was around? Have you ever lied to a friend or boss or loved one? Have you ever cheated on an exam or elsewhere? If so, why was it that she felt she could do things that not only were unethical but also illegal, and this little guy got punished unmercifully for not putting his clothes away? Give me a break! Of course, we have all been guilty of making mistakes. Does that mean we are terrible, horrible, no good people? What it does mean is that we are capable of learning from our mistakes. Children are only children -- they have much growing and learning to accomplish -- and it is their job to make lots of mistakes. How else will they learn? The next time everyday pressures build up to the point where you feel like lashing out at a little person -- STOP! Then try one of these simple alternatives. You will feel better and so will your child: - Take a deep breath. Then take another. Remember, you are the adult.
- Close your eyes and imagine that you are hearing what your child is about to hear -- and then think about how you would feel.
- Press your lips together and count to 10. If necessary, count to 20.
- Put your child in "time out." (this need not be in his room; merely separate you from him.) Remember the rule: one minute for each year of your child's age.
- Put yourself in "time out." Think about why you are angry. Is it your child, or is your child simply a convenient target for your anger? And, no, you can't use the same rule for you -- or you would be in "time out" for a very long time!
- Remember, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Pour yourself a cup of tea or coffee in your best china cup. Sit down and rest for a while. You can then discuss the situation when you are more relaxed and can think of appropriate logical consequences.
Remember, good enough is good enough! ( Dr. Barbara Freedman is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Calabasas, Calif.) (Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, www.shns.com)
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